tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56800163879745546902024-03-05T03:16:26.594-08:00Babies R'nt UsThis started out as a way to remember the weird dreams I had at night. Now it's become an outlet to get out my infertility frustrations. Enjoy. Or suck it. I don't care.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-78984766103073541422016-02-25T08:39:00.000-08:002016-02-25T08:39:03.371-08:00Embryo TransferGuess who got her embryos transferred?! ME. This past Monday in fact. It was the easiest procedure of this entire endeavor. I got to see a picture of the embryos they were implanting, as well as the entire procedure taking place onscreen. <div>
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The doctor and nurses were all very happy with the way things turned out. I get my pregnancy test on March 7th and I'll know that day whether or not it worked.</div>
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And yes, I'll say whether it worked or not, just not right away. If it works, I want to wait until I'm out of the first 3 months. And if it doesn't work, then I'm going to need time to mourn.</div>
Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-2640555149259759262016-01-19T10:12:00.003-08:002016-01-19T10:12:47.330-08:00ExtractionI got the official word Saturday morning that my eggs would be extracted on Monday. So yesterday morning I made the early drive to Houston. It was a pretty easy procedure: I was under general anesthesia so I woke up and thought I'd only blinked and asked the doc when we were starting. "Oh, we're done!" Well alrighty then! It only took about 20 minutes.<br />
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So I get the call today that out of the 17 follicles I had growing, they harvested 8 mature eggs. Good news: all 8 were successfully fertilized! EIGHT POTENTIAL BABIES. They'll grow for 5-6 days then get frozen. I have to wait for my next cycle and then after that they can be implanted at any time.<br />
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I'M SO EXCITED!!!Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-26199303351494448032016-01-12T10:32:00.002-08:002016-01-12T10:32:50.386-08:00Side EffectsMore side effects from the FSH shots are emerging. Specifically, bloating. I went to New Orleans this past weekend and when I came back I'd gained a couple pounds. I figured it was from all the amazing food, but considering I'd walked ~10 miles each day, that couldn't have been the case. Nope. It was the shots. Bloating and weight gain. Great...<br />
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Another side effect I'm seeing an increase in is smell sensitivity. The floors are getting waxed this morning at work and as soon as I smelled it I wanted to hurl. Just now I went into the break room to refill my water and there was a BBQ potluck. I'm 100% on board with BBQ, but for some reason the smell just turned my stomach. Man, I hope that's not going to stick around if I get pregnant.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-65391021317003252952016-01-11T15:28:00.000-08:002016-01-11T15:28:18.812-08:00More drugs!Friday morning I had bloodwork to check my E2 (Estradiol) levels. The doc called me Saturday to let me know that my levels were lower than they'd like, so I had to double my Menopur dosage. That shot already hurt enough as it was, now it hurts double.<br />
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I went this morning for more bloodwork (basically an every other day type thing) and a follicular ultrasound. No changes in my doses based on the blood, so that's good. Ultrasound showed 12 follicles on my right ovary (the lazy one!) and only 4 on my left. Most of them are between 8mm and 14mm, which the tech said was right on schedule. My doc will extract them when they've reached at least 22mm.<br />
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I go back in 2 days for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-32688930392201234622016-01-07T09:05:00.000-08:002016-01-07T09:05:52.676-08:00And It BeginsWell, we officially started the IVF process. We met with the coordinator about a week into December and I received all of my medications a couple of days before Christmas. Handing over a check for $15,000 was difficult. Paying another $2500 for medication was brutal. We're officially broke.<br />
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I started taking a Lupron injection the day after Christmas. Not so bad, although it causes itching and burning at the injection site and minor insomnia.<br />
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Last night I began the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) shots, Gonal and Menopur. They hurt worse than the Lupron. It took me almost 30 minutes to give myself 3 shots because of the difficulty in trying to figure out how to attach all the different needles and mixing the medications. Gonal has to be kept in the fridge, but is supposed to warm up to room temperature before injecting.<br />
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My stomach looks like a pincushion. Last week I ended up with a huge bruise because I took the needle out at an angle instead of straight. At least Michael doesn't have to give me any butt shots, so there's at least something to be thankful for.<br />
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I go back for more bloodwork tomorrow to see if my FSH meds need adjusting.<br />
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<br />Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-85028139797975390362015-06-25T07:40:00.003-07:002015-06-25T07:40:40.164-07:00Long time comingHas it really been since November since I posted? Wow, sorry yall. Here are some updates:<br />
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With the encouragement of my therapist and ob-gyn, I started anti-depressants. What a difference! I've been on them since February and honestly, I've never felt better. All of the anger that has been plaguing me is gone. I no longer feel like the world is out to get me. I don't feel pressured to produce a kid. I mean, I still want kids, but the thought of not having one doesn't send me into a depressive spiral.<br />
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We bought a house! Granted, we can't move in until mid-August and our lease at the apartment is up at the end of July, so yeah, we'll be homeless for a couple of weeks. Thankfully we have family that is willing to put up with us.<br />
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And that's it. I think?Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-3371546389120600502014-11-14T12:13:00.000-08:002014-11-14T12:13:32.717-08:00Something new-ishI saw my endocrinologist yesterday and told him about needing IVF. He was very understanding, as he and his wife had to do the same for their two children. We talked about alternative/homeopathic options, and he's open to me trying whatever herbs I want. He also gave me the option of going on birth control for three months to "reset" my reproductive system. I figure there's no harm, and it's free with insurance, so I agreed. It's not like we were going to be able to do IVF right away.<br />
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Both sets of parents have agreed to help out with a portion of the cost, if needed (which probably, although I'm hoping against hope the BC regimen will work). So if it comes down to it, we won't have to take out too large of a loan.<br />
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The best part of the visit with my endo was him telling me to cut the stress out (I know, easier said than done). He said sometimes you just have to "tell everyone to screw off" while throwing up the bird. Yeah, he's a keeper.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-6167148855042883732014-10-08T07:50:00.001-07:002014-10-08T07:50:11.177-07:00UghWell, I met with my doctor last week and he thinks at this point the best option is IVF. He gave me success rate percentages of other procedures, but they all have the same success rate as IUI (15-20%), whereas IVF has a success rate of 60%. That's a significant difference. M and I talked about it over the weekend and agreed it was our best option, even if it's going to be expensive. After all, why spend a lot of money on multiple failed IUI cycles when we could just invest in IVF and (hopefully) be guaranteed a baby? My doctor's financial department called yesterday with the numbers: TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. The majority of that includes dr visits, scans, blood work, etc. $5000 of it is for medication. Minus the $5000, it all has to be due at the beginning of the process. Which means we somehow have to find $15,000. That we don't have. We already blew through our savings this year with our other combined medical expenses. I'm told it's a 2 and a half month process. But it'll take way longer than that to save up for it. I'm pretty sure we're screwed, unless our parents decide to help. Which I don't want to bank on. My dr gave me 2 financiers who provide loans for IVF, so we'll probably try that. Or I could always set up a Go Fund Me account. Yall would donate, right?Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-58769837868964794602014-10-01T08:54:00.003-07:002014-10-01T08:54:33.978-07:00WelpSo apparently I'm just not meant to be a mom. I went through the entire process: letrozole, hcg shot, progesterone. Did a blood test yesterday and I'm not pregnant. Seeing the doctor tomorrow to see what's next.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-55902626558586768672014-09-05T12:28:00.001-07:002014-09-05T12:28:21.746-07:00Woot!Good news: no more cyst! I had my scan yesterday and the ultrasound tech was amazed that it went away within a month. Apparently those birth control pills worked a little *too* well because she also spent 15 minutes just trying to find my ovary. I ended up having to smash my hand over the area to try and get it to show up for her. But she found it and the cyst is gone and all is right!<br />
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I get to start the letrozole next week and I'm excited. I had it in my head that I would need surgery for the cyst to go away, so I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I don't have to wait another month to get the ball rolling. The only downside is my insurance doesn't cover fertility medication, so I'm basically looking at $300-400 for 10 days of pills and a vial of hcg to inject. And another $200 for a scan to see whether I have enough viable eggs. And other funds that I can't remember. So basically between $700 and $1000. All out of pocket. UGH! Birth control pill: covered 100%. Want to have a baby but can't: ALL YOUR MONEY. Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-73281477502987426232014-08-12T07:13:00.002-07:002014-08-12T07:13:40.300-07:00Cyst-emic?I think I'm all out of words to insert "cyst" in. Anyway, my doc called me yesterday afternoon. He's putting me on birth control pills for a month to regulate my hormones aka shrink the current cyst and prevent any more from popping up. Seems counterproductive, but I guess he knows what he's talking about. M calls it my Anti-Pregnancy Pregnancy Pill.<br />
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Sidewaysedly: I learned that my insurance covers birth control pills 100%. A nice surprise. And a thankful one. Could you imagine working for a company *cough* Hobby Lobby *cough* that doesn't? So when I have a legit medical condition (PCOS with a massive cyst) that requires the pill to regulate my body to keep me from DYING (it's rare, but a ruptured cyst could cause a wicked infection), I'm able to get said medication at little or (in my case) no cost. "Religious freedom." PUH. My religious freedom is that I would like to not die at a young age and also to have children. Bc yes, as weird as it seems to be taking birth control in order to have babies, there it is. I wonder if HL would have a problem with THAT.<br />
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/End rant/Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-31381575442902330782014-08-11T11:21:00.000-07:002014-08-11T11:21:02.081-07:00All Cyst-ems stopSooo my cyst is still there. BOO. And it's roughly the size of the ovary it's on. Greeeaaaat. The tech said it *did* shrink, but only a millimeter. So now I basically sit and wait for the doc to call with next steps (if any).Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-85811655305082189872014-08-07T13:38:00.000-07:002014-08-07T13:42:57.956-07:00Cyst-o-maticHad my follow up appointment with the specialist today. The biopsy came back normal, as did M's sperm analysis (which resulted in a great big "I TOLD YOU SO"). One of the polyps he pulled was blocking my tube, so there was no way an egg could be fertilized. Well that solves that. He then said he was going to start me on Letrozole, in order to produce more eggs which would be followed by an HCG injection to force ovulation. I had to have a quick ultrasound first to make sure everything was ok. Well, it's not. It seems I have a "rather large" cyst on my left ovary, which means I can't start the medication until it's gone. I have to get another scan the first day of my next cycle to determine whether or not it dissolved on its own or will need help. I'm hoping it goes away by itself. The ultrasound tech explained that was why I was having severe pain on that side. Good to know? It still sucks though. After leaving I sat in my car and cried. Here I thought we'd be making a new set of plans to carry out but it ends up being more waiting.<br />
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M is trying to be supportive, but I think he realizes I need to vent & just be upset about it for a while. He kept sending me links and info on cysts, which is fine, but the fact is I still have to wait until next week to determine whether or not we can move forward.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-10492797725350273782014-07-29T10:22:00.001-07:002014-07-29T10:22:35.868-07:00UpdateSo my surgery was last week. I didn't sleep the night before. Ok, I got 3 hours. But not all at once. I kept freaking out, but by the time I made my peace with being put under my mind was wired and wouldn't shut off. Oh well.<br />
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The surgery was fine. Once I spoke to the anesthesiologist , he assured me I wasn't going to be under for long, or too deep, and I told him I was nervous so he gave me a sedative. WHICH WAS AWESOME. It was like floating on a swimming cloud. And no, that doesn't make sense but I was high so SHUT UP. It took no time at all and after about 10 minutes in post-op, I got to get dressed. But then I had to wait for M to finish providing his sample. BUT AFTER, we went to brunch. Because at this point it had been 16 hours since I'd had any food and I was staaaarrrrving.<br />
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The trip back home was horrible. By then the pain meds I was given had worn off and it felt like M found every bump in the road. Of course he didn't mean to, but I felt them all. Got home around noon and I slept for 3 hours, until he woke me up to see if I was ok or needed anything. I got up for a couple hours then went right back to sleep. He woke me at 9 that night so I could eat. And he brought me a sandwich in bed (bc that's about the limit of his culinary expertise). It was the best sandwich ever. Mostly bc I was starving again.<br />
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Thursday I felt ok. Friday I felt better so I attempted laundry. Ugh. One load did me in and I slept for the rest of the afternoon. Saturday I went to brunch with T and that afternoon MJ drove down and brought me a cupcake. And a special piece of jewelry. And yes I cried. Yesterday was the first time I was able to make an entire day w/out pain meds. Woo!<br />
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I see my doc next week for a follow up. He sent the polyps off to be biopsied, so hopefully I'll have good news (that the biopsy was negative). And then he said he'd give me medication? We'll see.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-22205444762370287642014-07-18T11:18:00.001-07:002014-07-18T11:18:30.960-07:00SoonMy surgery is 5 days away. I'm trying not to panic, but whenever I stop and think about it I just freak out. I double checked with the nurse and I will be fully under. Which scares the crap out of me. But I have great friends who have been reassuring me whenever I go down the panic path. Also a wonderful husband who, for some strange reason, puts up with the crazy. And who also convinced me to take 3 days off.<br />
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Sideways-edly, the nurse suggested M provide his sample while I'm having my surgery "bc that's still pending." Which I accidentally agreed to w/out checking with him first. But he was fine with it. So, yay?<br />
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<br />Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-8011421864804980352014-07-03T09:44:00.001-07:002014-07-03T09:44:47.551-07:00July 23rdThat's when I'm having surgery. The doc's office called this morning (while I was in the middle of a venting session with T). I was getting worried they wouldn't call. I'd planned on calling them this afternoon if they hadn't called first. I mean, it's been a week already.<br />
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Anyway, you know how my doc drives in from Houston once a week to take care of patients here? Well apparently the procedure can only be done at his main office so I get to go to Houston. Not bad really, I'll stay the night at the in-laws so I don't have to get up too early. Thankfully M's coming with me and can drive us home that afternoon (after I've recovered enough to ride in the car). The nurse said I should arrive at 8am and will be discharged sometime around 9:30. Not too bad. Although I found out I'll have to be put under for the procedure. Ugh. I was hoping they'd just numb me. I'm not looking forward to giving up visual control.<br />
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The nurse said I'm supposed to wait a week after surgery before attempting intercourse. So basically I'm out of babymaking for the month (since the surgery has to be between days 5 & 10 of my cycle). That's ok, I'll just be ready for the next month. I'm going to give myself 3 months after the surgery to get pregnant before asking the doc to move to more aggressive measures. That's a good amount of time, right? Maybe he'll even tell me when to come back to him if it doesn't happen in a certain amount of time. I'm just glad I have a doctor who cares and believes me when I say there's something wrong. Because now I have tangible evidence there is.<br />
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Speaking of, I had that conversation with my therapist. I told her now that I knew there was something I could actually see that might be causing the problem, it's a fixable solution and that gives me hope. Which is something I was beginning to lose.<br />
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Tomorrow I'm going to a 1 year old's birthday party. Normally this would depress me but I'm actually looking forward to it. Then I get to spend the afternoon with the nephews having a cookout. BURGERS! Weird that that's what makes me really happy.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-77417151152686980882014-06-27T06:54:00.002-07:002014-06-27T06:58:02.324-07:00Cut me open, docWELL. I had my hysterosonogram yesterday. It sucked. I mean, it didn't hurt nearly as bad as the hysterosalpingogram, but it was still uncomfortable. I cramped for hours after it was over. Anyway, results. I have two polyps in my uterus which the doc says will have to be surgically removed. I'm waiting to hear from his office when that'll be scheduled (he drives in from Houston so availability is based on which Thursdays he can get time in the surgery area). I'm a little nervous. Well, a lot nervous now since I read over the process: <a href="http://www.summitmedicalgroup.com/library/adult_health/obg_therapeutic_hysteroscopy_for_removal_of_uterine_polyp/">http://www.summitmedicalgroup.com/library/adult_health/obg_therapeutic_hysteroscopy_for_removal_of_uterine_polyp/</a><br />
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Doc said the polyps are most likely the reason I can't get pregnant, since they keep fertilized eggs from implanting. I'm hoping that's all that's wrong and can get pregnant soon after their removal. I really don't want to have to go through the pricey-ness of IVF.<br />
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Oh, and apparently my right ovary is a lazy bum. Doc checked both ovaries and my left is right on schedule but my right is on vacation. So the combination of lazy ovary and polyps are keeping me from my dream.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-45002729889947652402014-06-20T07:32:00.000-07:002014-06-20T07:32:11.152-07:00UghRemember yesterday when I said M was being supportive? I take it back. Apparently I'm "very annoying" when I'm emotional. I'm not even kidding, those words came out of his mouth. Well excuuuuuuuse me for having hormones rage throughout my body every month, causing me to fly off the handle and/or cry at the drop of a hat. I'm trying my best to not be emotional. I'm not even crying about not being pregnant; we're taking steps to fix that. No, this crying is for no reason at all and I can't explain why. It's just your typical monthly hormones.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-38208372045189062362014-06-19T07:43:00.002-07:002014-06-19T07:43:55.696-07:00SickoI'm beginning to wonder what my coworkers think of me, having so many doctor appointments. I mean, I also have my regular endocrinologist and dentist visits that I leave for, but now I'm leaving a lot for the specialist and therapist. Oh well. Let them think whatever.<br />
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I have my next appointment with the specialist on the 26th. He wants to do a hysterosonogram to see if I'm actually producing eggs or just cysts in order to determine if I have PCOS. I'm a little nervous, mostly because 3 years ago I had a hysterosalpingogram and it hurt like a MFer. The nurse I spoke to today said there shouldn't be any pain, but possible cramping after. Um, lady? That's pain for me. She suggested ibuprofen before and after. Which I will definitely be doing.<br />
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I have my next therapy appointment on the 30th. I'm looking forward to it. M has been surprisingly supportive lately, trying to keep my spirits up. I noticed that the week after my first appointment I ended up crying over everything. I'm pretty sure the appointment left me emotionally raw. Maybe that's what I need at this point. To just get everything out instead of bottling it up.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-25087656630105480422014-06-12T12:04:00.000-07:002014-06-12T12:04:01.259-07:00Blood workSo a couple of weeks ago I saw the specialist and he ordered a bunch of bloodwork. The results came back:<br />
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1) I have a Vitamin D deficiency and was ordered to take OTC Vitamin D3 tablets once a day.<br />
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2) My A1C was 5.7 (anything over 5.6 is at risk for diabetes). I explained that my A1C has been yoyoing for the past year, every time I get it tested for my endocrinologist. Also: I'd eaten earlier that day and usually my A1C is tested after fasting. I'm supposed to "watch what I eat and exercise." Basically everything I've been doing already.<br />
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3) (Bear with me, I missed a lot of what she was saying on this one) Something about my body either doesn't produce enough folic acid or the blood is lacking whatever absorbs the folic acid. All I got was "folic acid." So she's sending a prescription to my pharmacy that I'm supposed to take once a day. <br />
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SO. It's good to know that I'm not crazy and "perfectly healthy yet unable to conceive." It does seem like there's something wrong with me, even if it's not major. The nurse also wanted to know why I hadn't called to make my ultrasound appointment. "Umm, bc I haven't started my period yet?" Yeah, kinda have to wait for that to start before making the appointment. I told her it should be within the next week so she'd be hearing from me soon.<br />
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I'm feeling better about this now. One of the things I talked about with my therapist is hating the unknown. I don't like looking into the future and not seeing a plan. I need deadlines and due dates in order to keep from going crazy. She knows my specialist (or least knows of him), and says that he always has a road map in his head of where to go. It may look like a tree branch at first, but as things are ruled out the directions become clearer and more definitive. So now all I need is to get M to provide his sample.<br />
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(side note: spellcheck says "folic" isn't a word)Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-42583109765534895542014-06-09T10:51:00.001-07:002014-06-09T10:51:07.110-07:00HealingToday I saw the psychotherapist. She's really nice, and we spent an hour and a half talking. I can't even remember how many times I sat there crying, but she was patient and encouraging. We roughed out some problems that I need to work on, specifically identity issues. Also anger. She asked if I would be interested in antidepressants, but I expressed my concern over whether or not it would effect fertility and/or treatment. She suggested that if, in the future I want to try them, to talk with the fertility specialist. She would even sit in on the conversation with me if I want. But for now I think just talking is what I need, which I expressed. I'm seeing her again in 3 weeks, by which time I shall have seen my specialist.<br />
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This is the first time I've really sat down with someone (qualified) to talk about issues. Approximately 8 years ago I was being bullied by my former boss, so I used my university's counseling center. I was assigned a psych grad student, which was ok at the time, but I realize that as an adult, I need someone qualified to handle larger life issues.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-44267908060625078422014-05-30T08:38:00.000-07:002014-05-30T08:38:07.149-07:00Game Plan?I saw a fertility specialist yesterday. He's very nice (albeit a little soft-spoken). He's the second doctor to think I have PCOS & will do an ultrasound at my next mid-cycle to determine yes or no. He gave M and I a lot of information (and advice). He wants M to provide a sample (bc of course he does). I almost laughed bc I knew how much he would hate hearing that. But at least there's no crazy directions on how to do it. Basically, get as much in the cup as you can. He then sent me for blood-work where I'm pretty sure the <strike>vampire</strike> pathologist tried to suck me dry. Nine vials of blood. The most I've ever had drawn before has been 3. There's a reason why I don't donate blood; I tend to pass out. I almost laughed when I saw one of the tests was for chlamydia. M and I have only ever been with each other, so it's not like we'd have ever had the chance to contract an STD. But I guess they don't know that and have to assume the worst about everyone? Aaand I found out the blood-work alone costs over $2000. I'm REALLY hoping insurance covers some of it.<br />
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I also finally made an appointment with a therapist. I talked to her on the phone, and she was very understanding of what I'm going through. I see her in a week and a half.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-13076507544958862842014-05-19T08:44:00.000-07:002014-05-19T08:44:09.468-07:00The low pointI think yesterday was the lowest I've ever been. I thought this past month had been timed perfectly. I had been feeling great every day, no weird pms symptoms (although that's become the norm). Took a test, got a BFN. All I could think about was how I was failing as a person. Here's something that every female on the planet is designed to do, and that of them succeed at, but I can't for the life of me do. Hell, teenagers can get pregnant after a one-shot. But apparently me trying for 5 years isn't enough. I actually started planning out ways to end it all. That's when I knew I had a major problem, not just the weepies. I finally admitted, out loud, that I had a problem and needed professional help. And what was M's reaction to my admission? That apparently he wasn't doing his job as a husband to make me happy. Um, that's not what I said, or meant. But he seems to think that being depressed = being sad all the time. Last time I checked, depression comes in all shapes and forms and people can still have good days where they feel ok.<br />
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I did my research and thankfully my insurance covers mental health. I found a psychotherapist who specializes in infertility-related depression. Now I just need to find the courage to pick up the phone.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-50894961140249772162014-05-14T12:22:00.001-07:002014-05-14T12:22:43.296-07:00Mother's Day 2014I f***ing hate this day. 1) I love and cherish my mother all year round, I don't need to set aside a special day for her. 2) Does Hallmark not realize how insensitive this day is to the infertile community?<br />
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I had actually forgotten what day it was. I was on a plane coming back from Hawaii (which as luck would have it, came out to the perfect time of the month) and as soon as we landed the gate greeters started wishing everyone a happy mother's day. Well f***. I had hoped that our flight would be delayed enough so that M and I could just come straight home, but no. It arrived well enough in time for us to go to church with his parents. Which meant sitting around babies and pregnant women, and listening to a sermon on the importance of mothers. The ONLY way I survived the morning was holding my 9 month old nephew and watching him fall asleep in my arms. But then came lunch. Because *of course* we had to take out my SIL for her first mother's day. To which I was wished a HMD by the waitstaff. NOT A MOTHER, MORON.<br />
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I thought I did well (I managed not to cry), until my MIL mentioned that we were going to celebrate M's birthday this coming weekend AS WELL AS celebrate Mother's Day. Um, pretty sure that was why we went to lunch. So ugh.<br />
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In other news, M's cpap is allowing him to get amazing sleep at night so he has plenty of energy for "stuff." So that's good, I guess.Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5680016387974554690.post-46607167242331903142014-04-25T09:48:00.002-07:002014-04-25T09:48:36.084-07:00Health updateStill not pregnant.<div>
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No, this one's all about M. He finally went to the doctor, because our insurance is crazy and says if you don't get a physical/wellness exam every year then you have to pay an extra $30/month. Crazy, right? Well it ended up being a blessing because I've been trying to get him to see a doctor for months for just random stuff. His doctor diagnosed him with sleep apnea (which, DUH), which in turn caused his high blood pressure and acid reflux disease. He had to do a sleep study and as of today is being prescribed a CPAP. He also got his blood work back and learned he has Type II diabetes. Which means he can no longer have his favorite foods (bread, corn, potatoes, Coke, brownies). I'm afraid his new diet will kill him faster than the diabetes. This means he has to learn how to eat proper vegetables. Those things that would go to waste if I bought them for myself bc they'd spoil before I'd eat them all.</div>
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So now I have to learn how to cook all new things. Pinterest is being surprisingly helpful, although if you have any favorite low-carb/no starch/diabetic recipes, please send them my way. Right now he thinks he gets to eat MEAT MEAT AND MORE MEAT, but um, no. That's not going to happen.</div>
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Oh, and the sleep apnea is also causing problems with babymaking. He can't sleep, therefore he's tired ALL the time, so he never wants to do stuff. Seriously, it sometimes feels like we're just roommates. The kind where I do all the cooking and cleaning while he watches tv and sleeps. Yeah, he's not going to be able to use the excuse "I'm tired" too much longer. Once he gets his CPAP, I expect him to start pulling his weight again. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding, but MY GOD it can be so annoying.</div>
Jennihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16499664541058007939noreply@blogger.com0