It's been over a week since that last, horrible post.  I saw T over the weekend, and brought her some goodies as a sorta pick-me-up.  Not that cookies can cure all, but it seemed to help a little bit.

I found out last night my cousin's 17yo step-daughter is pregnant.  GOOD LORD.  My cousin is naturally disappointed but said she'd be supportive since she new the real mom wouldn't.  She also told me to keep trying and not give up.  So that's good I guess?

To be honest, I haven't really given "trying" much thought this month.  I haven't used the OPKs, although I have been taking my temp every morning.  I just feel like I'd hate myself if it were to happen this month after T lost hers.  Not that I'm purposely trying to NOT get pregnant.  Oh no, that's not the case.  Just that it doesn't seem as important a task this month.

I'm slowly letting family know about "the problem."  Not everyone, and not all at once.  But every now and then I'll drop a hint to someone.  Honestly?  I'm surprised my mother hasn't told everyone.

Sad news

T called me a few minutes ago. She lost the baby.  At 16 weeks along, and was supposed to find out the sex this week.  I'm absolutely gutted.

Hard, hard weekend

This weekend was hard.  Really hard.  A college roommate had her baby Friday afternoon.  Then I find out last night my cousin is expecting.  She only got married in June.  After only knowing her husband for 6 months.  I'm sick and tired of people beating me to the finish line of a race I've been running longer than any of them.

I got low last night.  Really low.  I prayed.  I prayed hard.  I told God I felt like I was being forsaken and asked if he had forgotten me.  I'm angry.  Feeling betrayed.  It's getting harder and harder to keep my faith. I imagine I'm being tested.  But not sure what purpose it's supposed to serve.