Game Plan?

I saw a fertility specialist yesterday.  He's very nice (albeit a little soft-spoken).  He's the second doctor to think I have PCOS & will do an ultrasound at my next mid-cycle to determine yes or no.  He gave M and I a lot of information (and advice).  He wants M to provide a sample (bc of course he does).  I almost laughed bc I knew how much he would hate hearing that.  But at least there's no crazy directions on how to do it.  Basically, get as much in the cup as you can.  He then sent me for blood-work where I'm pretty sure the vampire pathologist tried to suck me dry. Nine vials of blood.  The most I've ever had drawn before has been 3.  There's a reason why I don't donate blood; I tend to pass out.  I almost laughed when I saw one of the tests was for chlamydia.  M and I have only ever been with each other, so it's not like we'd have ever had the chance to contract an STD.  But I guess they don't know that and have to assume the worst about everyone?  Aaand I found out the blood-work alone costs over $2000.  I'm REALLY hoping insurance covers some of it.

I also finally made an appointment with a therapist.  I talked to her on the phone, and she was very understanding of what I'm going through.  I see her in a week and a half.

The low point

I think yesterday was the lowest I've ever been.  I thought this past month had been timed perfectly.  I had been feeling great every day, no weird pms symptoms (although that's become the norm).  Took a test, got a BFN.  All I could think about was how I was failing as a person.  Here's something that every female on the planet is designed to do, and that of them succeed at, but I can't for the life of me do.  Hell, teenagers can get pregnant after a one-shot.  But apparently me trying for 5 years isn't enough.  I actually started planning out ways to end it all.  That's when I knew I had a major problem, not just the weepies.  I finally admitted, out loud, that I had a problem and needed professional help.  And what was M's reaction to my admission?  That apparently he wasn't doing his job as a husband to make me happy.  Um, that's not what I said, or meant.  But he seems to think that being depressed = being sad all the time.  Last time I checked, depression comes in all shapes and forms and people can still have good days where they feel ok.

I did my research and thankfully my insurance covers mental health.  I found a psychotherapist who specializes in infertility-related depression.  Now I just need to find the courage to pick up the phone.

Mother's Day 2014

I f***ing hate this day.  1) I love and cherish my mother all year round, I don't need to set aside a special day for her.  2) Does Hallmark not realize how insensitive this day is to the infertile community?

I had actually forgotten what day it was.  I was on a plane coming back from Hawaii (which as luck would have it, came out to the perfect time of the month) and as soon as we landed the gate greeters started wishing everyone a happy mother's day.  Well f***.  I had hoped that our flight would be delayed enough so that M and I could just come straight home, but no.  It arrived well enough in time for us to go to church with his parents.  Which meant sitting around babies and pregnant women, and listening to a sermon on the importance of mothers.  The ONLY way I survived the morning was holding my 9 month old nephew and watching him fall asleep in my arms.  But then came lunch.  Because *of course* we had to take out my SIL for her first mother's day.  To which I was wished a HMD by the waitstaff.  NOT A MOTHER, MORON.

I thought I did well (I managed not to cry), until my MIL mentioned that we were going to celebrate M's birthday this coming weekend AS WELL AS celebrate Mother's Day.  Um, pretty sure that was why we went to lunch.  So ugh.

In other news, M's cpap is allowing him to get amazing sleep at night so he has plenty of energy for "stuff."  So that's good, I guess.