Something new-ish

I saw my endocrinologist yesterday and told him about needing IVF.  He was very understanding, as he and his wife had to do the same for their two children.  We talked about alternative/homeopathic options, and he's open to me trying whatever herbs I want.  He also gave me the option of going on birth control for three months to "reset" my reproductive system.  I figure there's no harm, and it's free with insurance, so I agreed.  It's not like we were going to be able to do IVF right away.

Both sets of parents have agreed to help out with a portion of the cost, if needed (which probably, although I'm hoping against hope the BC regimen will work).  So if it comes down to it, we won't have to take out too large of a loan.

The best part of the visit with my endo was him telling me to cut the stress out (I know, easier said than done).  He said sometimes you just have to "tell everyone to screw off" while throwing up the bird.  Yeah, he's a keeper.

Ugh

Well, I met with my doctor last week and he thinks at this point the best option is IVF.  He gave me success rate percentages of other procedures, but they all have the same success rate as IUI (15-20%), whereas IVF has a success rate of 60%.  That's a significant difference.  M and I talked about it over the weekend and agreed it was our best option, even if it's going to be expensive.  After all, why spend a lot of money on multiple failed IUI cycles when we could just invest in IVF and (hopefully) be guaranteed a baby?  My doctor's financial department called yesterday with the numbers: TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.  The majority of that includes dr visits, scans, blood work, etc.  $5000 of it is for medication.  Minus the $5000, it all has to be due at the beginning of the process.  Which means we somehow have to find $15,000.  That we don't have.  We already blew through our savings this year with our other combined medical expenses.  I'm told it's a 2 and a half month process.  But it'll take way longer than that to save up for it.  I'm pretty sure we're screwed, unless our parents decide to help.  Which I don't want to bank on.  My dr gave me 2 financiers who provide loans for IVF, so we'll probably try that.  Or I could always set up a Go Fund Me account.  Yall would donate, right?

Welp

So apparently I'm just not meant to be a mom.  I went through the entire process: letrozole, hcg shot, progesterone.  Did a blood test yesterday and I'm not pregnant.  Seeing the doctor tomorrow to see what's next.

Woot!

Good news: no more cyst!  I had my scan yesterday and the ultrasound tech was amazed that it went away within a month.  Apparently those birth control pills worked a little *too* well because she also spent 15 minutes just trying to find my ovary.  I ended up having to smash my hand over the area to try and get it to show up for her.  But she found it and the cyst is gone and all is right!

I get to start the letrozole next week and I'm excited.  I had it in my head that I would need surgery for the cyst to go away, so I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I don't have to wait another month to get the ball rolling.  The only downside is my insurance doesn't cover fertility medication, so I'm basically looking at $300-400 for 10 days of pills and a vial of hcg to inject.  And another $200 for a scan to see whether I have enough viable eggs.  And other funds that I can't remember.  So basically between $700 and $1000.  All out of pocket.  UGH!  Birth control pill: covered 100%.  Want to have a baby but can't: ALL YOUR MONEY.

Cyst-emic?

I think I'm all out of words to insert "cyst" in.  Anyway, my doc called me yesterday afternoon.  He's putting me on birth control pills for a month to regulate my hormones aka shrink the current cyst and prevent any more from popping up.  Seems counterproductive, but I guess he knows what he's talking about.  M calls it my Anti-Pregnancy Pregnancy Pill.

Sidewaysedly: I learned that my insurance covers birth control pills 100%.  A nice surprise.  And a thankful one.  Could you imagine working for a company *cough* Hobby Lobby *cough* that doesn't?  So when I have a legit medical condition (PCOS with a massive cyst) that requires the pill to regulate my body to keep me from DYING (it's rare, but a ruptured cyst could cause a wicked infection), I'm able to get said medication at little or (in my case) no cost.  "Religious freedom." PUH.  My religious freedom is that I would like to not die at a young age and also to have children.  Bc yes, as weird as it seems to be taking birth control in order to have babies, there it is.  I wonder if HL would have a problem with THAT.

/End rant/

All Cyst-ems stop

Sooo my cyst is still there. BOO.  And it's roughly the size of the ovary it's on.  Greeeaaaat.  The tech said it *did* shrink, but only a millimeter.  So now I basically sit and wait for the doc to call with next steps (if any).

Cyst-o-matic

Had my follow up appointment with the specialist today.  The biopsy came back normal, as did M's sperm analysis (which resulted in a great big "I TOLD YOU SO").  One of the polyps he pulled was blocking my tube, so there was no way an egg could be fertilized.  Well that solves that.  He then said he was going to start me on Letrozole, in order to produce more eggs which would be followed by an HCG injection to force ovulation.  I had to have a quick ultrasound first to make sure everything was ok.  Well, it's not.  It seems I have a "rather large" cyst on my left ovary, which means I can't start the medication until it's gone.  I have to get another scan the first day of my next cycle to determine whether or not it dissolved on its own or will need help.  I'm hoping it goes away by itself.  The ultrasound tech explained that was why I was having severe pain on that side.  Good to know?  It still sucks though.  After leaving I sat in my car and cried.  Here I thought we'd be making a new set of plans to carry out but it ends up being more waiting.

M is trying to be supportive, but I think he realizes I need to vent & just be upset about it for a while.  He kept sending me links and info on cysts, which is fine, but the fact is I still have to wait until next week to determine whether or not we can move forward.

Update

So my surgery was last week.  I didn't sleep the night before.  Ok, I got 3 hours.  But not all at once.  I kept freaking out, but by the time I made my peace with being put under my mind was wired and wouldn't shut off.  Oh well.

The surgery was fine.  Once I spoke to the anesthesiologist , he assured me I wasn't going to be under for long, or too deep, and I told him I was nervous so he gave me a sedative.  WHICH WAS AWESOME.  It was like floating on a swimming cloud.  And no, that doesn't make sense but I was high so SHUT UP.  It took no time at all and after about 10 minutes in post-op, I got to get dressed.  But then I had to wait for M to finish providing his sample.  BUT AFTER, we went to brunch.  Because at this point it had been 16 hours since I'd had any food and I was staaaarrrrving.

The trip back home was horrible.  By then the pain meds I was given had worn off and it felt like M found every bump in the road.  Of course he didn't mean to, but I felt them all.  Got home around noon and I slept for 3 hours, until he woke me up to see if I was ok or needed anything.  I got up for a couple hours then went right back to sleep.  He woke me at 9 that night so I could eat.  And he brought me a sandwich in bed (bc that's about the limit of his culinary expertise).  It was the best sandwich ever.  Mostly bc I was starving again.

Thursday I felt ok.  Friday I felt better so I attempted laundry.  Ugh.  One load did me in and I slept for the rest of the afternoon.  Saturday I went to brunch with T and that afternoon MJ drove down and brought me a cupcake.  And a special piece of jewelry.  And yes I cried.  Yesterday was the first time I was able to make an entire day w/out pain meds.  Woo!

I see my doc next week for a follow up.  He sent the polyps off to be biopsied, so hopefully I'll have good news (that the biopsy was negative).  And then he said he'd give me medication?  We'll see.

Soon

My surgery is 5 days away.  I'm trying not to panic, but whenever I stop and think about it I just freak out.  I double checked with the nurse and I will be fully under.  Which scares the crap out of me.  But I have great friends who have been reassuring me whenever I go down the panic path.  Also a wonderful husband who, for some strange reason, puts up with the crazy.  And who also convinced me to take 3 days off.

Sideways-edly, the nurse suggested M provide his sample while I'm having my surgery "bc that's still pending."  Which I accidentally agreed to w/out checking with him first.  But he was fine with it.  So, yay?

July 23rd

That's when I'm having surgery.  The doc's office called this morning (while I was in the middle of a venting session with T).  I was getting worried they wouldn't call.  I'd planned on calling them this afternoon if they hadn't called first.  I mean, it's been a week already.

Anyway, you know how my doc drives in from Houston once a week to take care of patients here?  Well apparently the procedure can only be done at his main office so I get to go to Houston.  Not bad really, I'll stay the night at the in-laws so I don't have to get up too early.  Thankfully M's coming with me and can drive us home that afternoon (after I've recovered enough to ride in the car).  The nurse said I should arrive at 8am and will be discharged sometime around 9:30.  Not too bad.  Although I found out I'll have to be put under for the procedure.  Ugh.  I was hoping they'd just numb me.  I'm not looking forward to giving up visual control.

The nurse said I'm supposed to wait a week after surgery before attempting intercourse.  So basically I'm out of babymaking for the month (since the surgery has to be between days 5 & 10 of my cycle).  That's ok, I'll just be ready for the next month.  I'm going to give myself 3 months after the surgery to get pregnant before asking the doc to move to more aggressive measures.  That's a good amount of time, right?  Maybe he'll even tell me when to come back to him if it doesn't happen in a certain amount of time.  I'm just glad I have a doctor who cares and believes me when I say there's something wrong.  Because now I have tangible evidence there is.

Speaking of, I had that conversation with my therapist.  I told her now that I knew there was something I could actually see that might be causing the problem, it's a fixable solution and that gives me hope.  Which is something I was beginning to lose.

Tomorrow I'm going to a 1 year old's birthday party.  Normally this would depress me but I'm actually looking forward to it.  Then I get to spend the afternoon with the nephews having a cookout.  BURGERS!  Weird that that's what makes me really happy.

Cut me open, doc

WELL.  I had my hysterosonogram yesterday.  It sucked.  I mean, it didn't hurt nearly as bad as the hysterosalpingogram, but it was still uncomfortable.  I cramped for hours after it was over.  Anyway, results.  I have two polyps in my uterus which the doc says will have to be surgically removed.  I'm waiting to hear from his office when that'll be scheduled (he drives in from Houston so availability is based on which Thursdays he can get time in the surgery area).  I'm a little nervous.  Well, a lot nervous now since I read over the process:  http://www.summitmedicalgroup.com/library/adult_health/obg_therapeutic_hysteroscopy_for_removal_of_uterine_polyp/

Doc said the polyps are most likely the reason I can't get pregnant, since they keep fertilized eggs from implanting.  I'm hoping that's all that's wrong and can get pregnant soon after their removal.  I really don't want to have to go through the pricey-ness of IVF.

Oh, and apparently my right ovary is a lazy bum.  Doc checked both ovaries and my left is right on schedule but my right is on vacation.  So the combination of lazy ovary and polyps are keeping me from my dream.

Ugh

Remember yesterday when I said M was being supportive?  I take it back.  Apparently I'm "very annoying" when I'm emotional.  I'm not even kidding, those words came out of his mouth.  Well excuuuuuuuse me for having hormones rage throughout my body every month, causing me to fly off the handle and/or cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm trying my best to not be emotional.  I'm not even crying about not being pregnant; we're taking steps to fix that.  No, this crying is for no reason at all and I can't explain why.  It's just your typical monthly hormones.

Sicko

I'm beginning to wonder what my coworkers think of me, having so many doctor appointments.  I mean, I also have my regular endocrinologist and dentist visits that I leave for, but now I'm leaving a lot for the specialist and therapist.  Oh well.  Let them think whatever.

I have my next appointment with the specialist on the 26th.  He wants to do a hysterosonogram to see if I'm actually producing eggs or just cysts in order to determine if I have PCOS.  I'm a little nervous, mostly because 3 years ago I had a hysterosalpingogram and it hurt like a MFer.  The nurse I spoke to today said there shouldn't be any pain, but possible cramping after.  Um, lady?  That's pain for me.  She suggested ibuprofen before and after.  Which I will definitely be doing.

I have my next therapy appointment on the 30th.  I'm looking forward to it.  M has been surprisingly supportive lately, trying to keep my spirits up.  I noticed that the week after my first appointment I ended up crying over everything.  I'm pretty sure the appointment left me emotionally raw.  Maybe that's what I need at this point.  To just get everything out instead of bottling it up.

Blood work

So a couple of weeks ago I saw the specialist and he ordered a bunch of bloodwork.  The results came back:

1) I have a Vitamin D deficiency and was ordered to take OTC Vitamin D3 tablets once a day.

2) My A1C was 5.7 (anything over 5.6 is at risk for diabetes).  I explained that my A1C has been yoyoing for the past year, every time I get it tested for my endocrinologist.  Also: I'd eaten earlier that day and usually my A1C is tested after fasting.  I'm supposed to "watch what I eat and exercise."  Basically everything I've been doing already.

3) (Bear with me, I missed a lot of what she was saying on this one)  Something about my body either doesn't produce enough folic acid or the blood is lacking whatever absorbs the folic acid.  All I got was "folic acid."  So she's sending a prescription to my pharmacy that I'm supposed to take once a day.

SO.  It's good to know that I'm not crazy and "perfectly healthy yet unable to conceive."  It does seem like there's something wrong with me, even if it's not major.  The nurse also wanted to know why I hadn't called to make my ultrasound appointment.  "Umm, bc I haven't started my period yet?"  Yeah, kinda have to wait for that to start before making the appointment.  I told her it should be within the next week so she'd be hearing from me soon.

I'm feeling better about this now.  One of the things I talked about with my therapist is hating the unknown.  I don't like looking into the future and not seeing a plan.  I need deadlines and due dates in order to keep from going crazy.  She knows my specialist (or least knows of him), and says that he always has a road map in his head of where to go.  It may look like a tree branch at first, but as things are ruled out the directions become clearer and more definitive.  So now all I need is to get M to provide his sample.

(side note: spellcheck says "folic" isn't a word)

Healing

Today I saw the psychotherapist.  She's really nice, and we spent an hour and a half talking.  I can't even remember how many times I sat there crying, but she was patient and encouraging.  We roughed out some problems that I need to work on, specifically identity issues.  Also anger.  She asked if I would be interested in antidepressants, but I expressed my concern over whether or not it would effect fertility and/or treatment.  She suggested that if, in the future I want to try them, to talk with the fertility specialist.  She would even sit in on the conversation with me if I want.  But for now I think just talking is what I need, which I expressed.  I'm seeing her again in 3 weeks, by which time I shall have seen my specialist.

This is the first time I've really sat down with someone (qualified) to talk about issues.  Approximately 8 years ago I was being bullied by my former boss, so I used my university's counseling center.  I was assigned a psych grad student, which was ok at the time, but I realize that as an adult, I need someone qualified to handle larger life issues.

Game Plan?

I saw a fertility specialist yesterday.  He's very nice (albeit a little soft-spoken).  He's the second doctor to think I have PCOS & will do an ultrasound at my next mid-cycle to determine yes or no.  He gave M and I a lot of information (and advice).  He wants M to provide a sample (bc of course he does).  I almost laughed bc I knew how much he would hate hearing that.  But at least there's no crazy directions on how to do it.  Basically, get as much in the cup as you can.  He then sent me for blood-work where I'm pretty sure the vampire pathologist tried to suck me dry. Nine vials of blood.  The most I've ever had drawn before has been 3.  There's a reason why I don't donate blood; I tend to pass out.  I almost laughed when I saw one of the tests was for chlamydia.  M and I have only ever been with each other, so it's not like we'd have ever had the chance to contract an STD.  But I guess they don't know that and have to assume the worst about everyone?  Aaand I found out the blood-work alone costs over $2000.  I'm REALLY hoping insurance covers some of it.

I also finally made an appointment with a therapist.  I talked to her on the phone, and she was very understanding of what I'm going through.  I see her in a week and a half.

The low point

I think yesterday was the lowest I've ever been.  I thought this past month had been timed perfectly.  I had been feeling great every day, no weird pms symptoms (although that's become the norm).  Took a test, got a BFN.  All I could think about was how I was failing as a person.  Here's something that every female on the planet is designed to do, and that of them succeed at, but I can't for the life of me do.  Hell, teenagers can get pregnant after a one-shot.  But apparently me trying for 5 years isn't enough.  I actually started planning out ways to end it all.  That's when I knew I had a major problem, not just the weepies.  I finally admitted, out loud, that I had a problem and needed professional help.  And what was M's reaction to my admission?  That apparently he wasn't doing his job as a husband to make me happy.  Um, that's not what I said, or meant.  But he seems to think that being depressed = being sad all the time.  Last time I checked, depression comes in all shapes and forms and people can still have good days where they feel ok.

I did my research and thankfully my insurance covers mental health.  I found a psychotherapist who specializes in infertility-related depression.  Now I just need to find the courage to pick up the phone.

Mother's Day 2014

I f***ing hate this day.  1) I love and cherish my mother all year round, I don't need to set aside a special day for her.  2) Does Hallmark not realize how insensitive this day is to the infertile community?

I had actually forgotten what day it was.  I was on a plane coming back from Hawaii (which as luck would have it, came out to the perfect time of the month) and as soon as we landed the gate greeters started wishing everyone a happy mother's day.  Well f***.  I had hoped that our flight would be delayed enough so that M and I could just come straight home, but no.  It arrived well enough in time for us to go to church with his parents.  Which meant sitting around babies and pregnant women, and listening to a sermon on the importance of mothers.  The ONLY way I survived the morning was holding my 9 month old nephew and watching him fall asleep in my arms.  But then came lunch.  Because *of course* we had to take out my SIL for her first mother's day.  To which I was wished a HMD by the waitstaff.  NOT A MOTHER, MORON.

I thought I did well (I managed not to cry), until my MIL mentioned that we were going to celebrate M's birthday this coming weekend AS WELL AS celebrate Mother's Day.  Um, pretty sure that was why we went to lunch.  So ugh.

In other news, M's cpap is allowing him to get amazing sleep at night so he has plenty of energy for "stuff."  So that's good, I guess.

Health update

Still not pregnant.

No, this one's all about M.  He finally went to the doctor, because our insurance is crazy and says if you don't get a physical/wellness exam every year then you have to pay an extra $30/month.  Crazy, right?  Well it ended up being a blessing because I've been trying to get him to see a doctor for months for just random stuff.  His doctor diagnosed him with sleep apnea (which, DUH), which in turn caused his high blood pressure and acid reflux disease.  He had to do a sleep study and as of today is being prescribed a CPAP.  He also got his blood work back and learned he has Type II diabetes.  Which means he can no longer have his favorite foods (bread, corn, potatoes, Coke, brownies).  I'm afraid his new diet will kill him faster than the diabetes.  This means he has to learn how to eat proper vegetables.  Those things that would go to waste if I bought them for myself bc they'd spoil before I'd eat them all.

So now I have to learn how to cook all new things.  Pinterest is being surprisingly helpful, although if you have any favorite low-carb/no starch/diabetic recipes, please send them my way.  Right now he thinks he gets to eat MEAT MEAT AND MORE MEAT, but um, no.  That's not going to happen.

Oh, and the sleep apnea is also causing problems with babymaking.  He can't sleep, therefore he's tired ALL the time, so he never wants to do stuff.  Seriously, it sometimes feels like we're just roommates.  The kind where I do all the cooking and cleaning while he watches tv and sleeps.  Yeah, he's not going to be able to use the excuse "I'm tired" too much longer.  Once he gets his CPAP, I expect him to start pulling his weight again.  I'm trying to be supportive and understanding, but MY GOD it can be so annoying.

Meh

The majority of the past month as been pretty great.  A couple weekends ago I had brunch with some close friends, and that was nice.  Then that night I went out for drinks with some new friends, and actually had a great time, despite the depressing, rainy weather and the fact that I hate going out after dark.  Or being social period.  But all in all, it was a great day.

Last week I got to spend some time with my precious nephews.  They're growing like weeds and I hadn't seem them since Christmas.  M and I basically spent an entire afternoon watching/playing with them while my SIL passed out from exhaustion.  They're 7 months old now, so all they want to do is be entertained.  Challenge accepted!  I can't even begin to remember how many times we played Bounce the Baby.  They loved it.  And so did I.  Even when they spit up on me.

I'm slowly accepting that I'm more than just my inability to reproduce.  Mostly I try to stay busy, and that keeps my mind off of things.  M's been really supportive lately, I think he finally realized how low I really got.  I still haven't seen a therapist, even though I've been wanting to.  Mostly because I'm afraid of being prescribed medication that might interfere with the baby-making process.  Which is the reason I'd see someone in the first place.

Craptastic

That's how this week has been.  I finally convinced M to collect a sample and that I would take it to the lab so he could avoid embarrassment.  WELL.  I should've known something was going to go wrong because the night before said collection I had a dream that he gave me the sample, I dropped it on the floor, and then had to scrape everything back in the tube (yeah, it was a tube in my dream, not a cup) but the lab wouldn't accept it because it had carpet in it.  So of course something was meant to go wrong.  Which it did.  The instructions that came with the cup specify the lab needs the *entire* sample, including everything that comes first (omg, seriously, no pun intended. I'm ashamed).  Well he came out of the room (oh god, I'm sorry, there's no way around that word) and threw the cup in the trash.  He said he missed the first couple of seconds therefore the entire sample was ruined.  Then he got really mad, saying that since he'd been tested 3 years ago and nothing was wrong, he doesn't see why he has to do it again.  Ugh.  So nothing was delivered to the lab.  He seems to be forgetting that my doctor won't refer me to a specialist until she gets the sample results.  Or that I can't seek out my own specialist because they're going to ask for a sample.  And also that maybe things might have changed in 3 years.  So I'm still stuck in limbo.

On the bright side, I think I've convinced M to try again next week.

Oh, and I also lost my thyroid medication last month and had to resort to a weaker dose until I could get my prescription refilled.  Which took a week because the pharmacy had to have my doctor's approval since I'd just had it refilled 3 weeks before losing it.  Ugh.  But I'm finally back on the correct dosage and feeling fine.  Because for a while there I had no energy.  All I wanted to do was sleep all the time but once lying down sleep would elude me.  Not fun.  But all is well again.  Well, except for no baby.

It's been over a week since that last, horrible post.  I saw T over the weekend, and brought her some goodies as a sorta pick-me-up.  Not that cookies can cure all, but it seemed to help a little bit.

I found out last night my cousin's 17yo step-daughter is pregnant.  GOOD LORD.  My cousin is naturally disappointed but said she'd be supportive since she new the real mom wouldn't.  She also told me to keep trying and not give up.  So that's good I guess?

To be honest, I haven't really given "trying" much thought this month.  I haven't used the OPKs, although I have been taking my temp every morning.  I just feel like I'd hate myself if it were to happen this month after T lost hers.  Not that I'm purposely trying to NOT get pregnant.  Oh no, that's not the case.  Just that it doesn't seem as important a task this month.

I'm slowly letting family know about "the problem."  Not everyone, and not all at once.  But every now and then I'll drop a hint to someone.  Honestly?  I'm surprised my mother hasn't told everyone.

Sad news

T called me a few minutes ago. She lost the baby.  At 16 weeks along, and was supposed to find out the sex this week.  I'm absolutely gutted.

Hard, hard weekend

This weekend was hard.  Really hard.  A college roommate had her baby Friday afternoon.  Then I find out last night my cousin is expecting.  She only got married in June.  After only knowing her husband for 6 months.  I'm sick and tired of people beating me to the finish line of a race I've been running longer than any of them.

I got low last night.  Really low.  I prayed.  I prayed hard.  I told God I felt like I was being forsaken and asked if he had forgotten me.  I'm angry.  Feeling betrayed.  It's getting harder and harder to keep my faith. I imagine I'm being tested.  But not sure what purpose it's supposed to serve.

My doc called me yesterday with the results of my pap and HPV marker test (which is apparently a thing they do now?).  Pap was normal and I'm negative for the markers.  Because of the new regulations I don't have to have another pap test for 5 years.  Although apparently annual exams still have to happen.

Anyway, funny story: I was telling M the above update and he says "Pap Smear sounds like it should be a mafia name."

Normally I wake up a few minutes before M so he never sees me take my BBT.  This morning however, he woke up before me and became confused when he saw me stick the thermometer in my mouth, asking if I was sick again.  No sweetie, BBT =/= regular temp taking.  Maybe I should get him a pamphlet...

Last night I went to the gym for a weight lifting class.  It was a lot of fun, even though today my arms are screaming at me.  Fun, except for there being a pregnant girl in the class.  Of course there was.  So even at the gym I can get away from it.  Honestly, I almost walked out as soon as I noticed her, even though class had already begun.  But I stayed.  She was in my field of vision the entire time.  But I stayed.  And didn't cry.

Bad/Good

Over the weekend my BBT plummeted, so I had a feeling there was no baby again.  And I was right.  The weird thing is, I hadn't had ANY pms symptoms.  Not even the out-of-control mood swings or intense food cravings.  It was a longer cycle than it has been the past few months, so I wasn't sure what was going on.  I'm guessing it was being sick that threw me off?  After definite confirmation of a new cycle beginning, I forced myself not to cry and focus on other things.  I cooked dinner.  I didn't immediately throw my pj's on. At 8pm I left the apartment and went to the gym for an hour.  I hopped on a treadmill and read for class (all 30 chapters that are on our test today...).  I came home, showered, had a cookie, and got to bed at a decent hour.  Definitely not the normal schedule of things that accompany a new month.

Oh, and a guy on my facebook feed announced he was going to be a dad.  He was one of the first guys I ever crushed on.  I was 11, he was 12, and his dad was our soccer coach.  He was always nice to me, and I kept seeing him in school ever since.  We were in different cliques though, so a relationship never would've worked.  Still, I often wonder what would've happened if I'd ended up with him, or any of the other guys that I'd crushed on (M was my first, and only, *real* relationship).

To otherwise occupy myself I'm focusing on T's gender reveal.  She finds out in a week and a half (hopefully).  She said if it's a girl she might want a baby shower, but if it's another boy then she doesn't want anything.  To which I said I'd throw her a frozen dinner shower.  People can bring diapers and frozen homemade dishes.

I'm kinda glad she waited to tell me until she was 12 weeks.  That way I only have to think about it for 6 months, instead of the entire time like with my sister-in-law.  She told me the week after she found out.

Doc update

Frustrating.

That's really the only way to describe my appointment.  I'm still "young enough" to not worry about infertility.  But I kept pushing.  She wants M to provide a "sample" to rule him out.  He had an analysis done 3 years ago (everything came back normal) and said he was done then.  Last year he was supposed to provide one but didn't because he thought it was pointless.  When I told him last night he was ok with it.

So really, nothing can move forward until the sample results come back.  I'm frustrated that we can't do anything until then.  But baby steps, right?

1st step: wait for M to get over his cold and provide a healthy sample.  Wait for results.

2nd step: after results are in, meet w/doc again to discuss fertility specialists.  She has 3 that she works with, it'll just be up to me to decide if I want either the two locals or the one that commutes in once a week from Houston.  Probably the locals.

3rd step: meet with specialist.

Baby steps.  I have to keep telling myself that this isn't going to be easy, or fast.  It'll take time.  I figure if I don't tell myself "oh I'll have a plan within a month" then I won't be disappointed.  So I'll tell myself "by the end of the year."  Because surely something will have happened by then, right?

At least I didn't cry.

Workout fakeout

Saturday:
I got out of bed immediately after waking instead of lying there for an hour like usual.
I had taken my shower the night before so I didn't have to worry about the "will I shower today" argument with myself.
I got dressed.
I took the dog for a nice walk.
I went and had breakfast with people!  Ok, so it was going to the pastry shop and getting a croissant to go, but hey, I interacted with people!  Baby steps.
I studied for my sign language class and did some homework.
I went grocery shopping.
I went to a deaf social for my sign language class and forced myself to talk to strangers.  For an hour.

Sunday:
I woke up.
I went and got breakfast again.
I took the dog out.
I went to the gym and worked out for 2 hours.  Well hello endorphins!  One hour included Centergy (a mix of yoga and pilates set to music).  My mind was clear and I had no stressful thoughts.  Nice.

I see my obgyn this afternoon.  I'm a little nervous.  That's all I can really say.  No other thoughts form when I think about it.  Maybe I'll update tomorrow on what she says.  Depends on what's said.  I might need a few days to digest.  Or it might be good.  I honestly I have no idea.  See?  Nervous.

Unrelated, but good: I'm writing recaps for a couple of tv shows for a tv website.  The Walking Dead, Helix, and soon to be Killer Women.  So that's a nice thing to help take my mind off things.  Check it out at http://thetelevixen.com/

Two years ago I quit the gym.  I was going almost every day and not seeing any results.  The number on the scales would go up and down, no more than 5lbs.  One year ago I learned about the problems with my endocrine system.  Monday I went back to the gym and reopened my membership.  I sat down with a fitness evaluator and made out a 1 month and 3 month goal plan.  Basically I need to lose roughly 10lbs a month to get out of the "high risk" category.  Which works for me.  I've already lost 30 over the past year, thanks to medication.  Now I'm hoping to see a bigger loss with all the extra exercise.

One of the scary things about sitting down with the goal planner was him asking *why* I wanted to get in shape.  I couldn't bring myself to tell his 22 year old fitness major that I'm infertile and hoping some weight loss will help.  Silent struggle yall.  So I just told him that my doctors wanted me to get in better shape.  Which isn't a lie.  Both of my doctors do want me to drop some weight, and thankfully my endo is happy that I've lost as much as I have already.

The sucky thing about joining the gym on Monday is I got insanely sick the next day.  I've been battling an allergy attack (brought on by the bipolar weather) and it turned the knob to 11.  So basically I joined, got an assessment, worked out for about 20 minutes, then haven't been back all week.  I was hoping to lose a couple extra pounds before I see my obgyn on Monday, but I don't think that'll happen.

Depression Lies

If you've never read Jenny Lawson's blog, stop reading and get thee to http://thebloggess.com/

I'll wait.

Done?  Ok let's proceed.

I discovered Jenny's blog about a year and a half ago when one of my friends was telling me about she kept trying to get a pic of Nathan Fillion holding twine.  In the beginning I thought her blog was simply quirky humor, but after a while I realized: the humor is to combat the depression.  Her posts can be extremely raw at times, but honestly those are the ones that are the most uplifting.  In a recent post about depression lying to you, I commented on dealing with infertility-based depression.  She commented back directly to me about knowing the exact same troubles.

So in the spirit of Jenny (and countless others battling depression), I have decided to count my accomplishments for today:

I got out of bed.
I showered.
I put in my contacts.
I went for a walk outside with the dog.

I'm sure some of you might think "well those are simple everyday tasks" and you'd be right.  During the work week those are things I do without thinking about them.  Because I have to.  Work forces me to get my butt out of bed.  But the weekend?  No.  The weekends are for pjs and glasses and hoping the dog can hold it because the last thing I want to do is open the door to the outside world.

Depression lies.  It tells you that you're not good enough, that because you can't have a child that you're less of a woman.  That you aren't worth a damn and should probably just end it all because what good are you if you can't even do one simple human task, like conceiving a child.  Everyone else can do it, why can't you?

After reading the article I posted yesterday, I really got to thinking about it.  Infertility truly is a silent struggle.  It's not something that people can see so they know what's going on.  You can see the effects of cancer on a person.  You can't see an infertile woman.  Sure, she may be childless but she can always laugh it off "oh we don't want children" or "oh it's just not the right time."  I've said those on multiple occasions.  You can't just up and tell people that your womb is barren.  Because then you get pity.  I don't want pity, I want compassion and understanding and for someone to fix me.

All I've told my mother is that it's going to be difficult for us to have a child.  I think my mother-in-law knows about the same.  My sister-in-law knows a little more, mostly because she herself had to endure IVF and knows about the struggles (although her fertility issue was a blank-shooting husband soooooo).  T knows everything.  Every time I see my obgyn or my endocrinologist, she's the first person (after husband) that I tell.

How do you tell someone who's perfectly healthy that you can't have children?

Something I needed

Sometimes the universe sends you the thing you need when you need it most (no, I didn't get pregnant.  Yet.)  A friend posted this on Facebook last night, although I didn't read it until this morning.  It cuts pretty deep, but I found it comforting.  Especially since it's written from the husband's point of view.

http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/

(I honestly couldn't remember that verse so I looked it up.  I use the King James Version and it uses "reproach" instead of "disgrace."  Since I'm more analytical than grammar-ific, I had to verify that they are synonyms)

Heart of steel

Yesterday afternoon I ended up spending a good half hour with my friend (henceforth known as "T") just talking.  We talked about her pregnancy (which I don't think she's told anyone else other than family) a little and how she finds out in 3 weeks whether it's a boy or girl.  I was surprised to find that I was genuinely happy when she told me.  I didn't have to pretend. After that she spent the rest of the time talking about how it'll happen to me and that the doctors will fix me.  Basically being a best friend.  She left this morning for an out of state conference.  I'm not sure if I should text her over the next few days (we usually chat online every day at work) or if I should take this opportunity to get some breathing room and load up on courage.

I get the feeling that I will be needed for emotional support during T's pregnancy since, in her words, her family is crazy.  I think I learned enough during my sister's pregnancy to turn my heart to steel for the next 6 months.  T said I was the person she was closest to here in town (excluding her baby daddy).  Sister had family and multiple friends nearby.  This time it's just me.  I will do this for her.  That's what best friends do, right?

I called my doctor yesterday to see if I could move up my appointment time.  It seems she's super popular (she is pretty amazing) and completely booked.  The only way to move my appointment would be to make it next month.  Kinda the opposite of what I need.  So as of now (unless there's a cancellation) I have to wait until the 27th (at least I'll have seen eps 1 & 2 of Sherlock S3 by then).  UGH.  So frustrating  All I can do is wait.  And even then, once I get there it'll be talking about fertility treatments (and crying. LOTS of crying).  So it's not like any action will happen until at least February.  And have I mentioned how expensive it all is??

A little relief

It's now been two days since my friend told me she's pregnant.  I wasn't sure how I was supposed to act around her anymore.  I also realized that some of the texts I'd sent over the past couple months regarding other pregnant women haven't been kind.  So I found my girl-balls and apologized for them.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  That's good?  I also felt like I was going to lose my best friend, because who else was I going to talk to about how I felt.  So I re-found my girl-balls and asked if it would bother her if I talked smack about other pregnant women.  "Not at all."

Lesson learned: just because your friend is going through a new part of life doesn't mean she's going to forget the things that brought you together in the first place.

Therapy begins

As stated last year, I have been going through some serious emotional stuff with infertility.  I don't always have the support I need, or can actually talk to people about what I'm going though.  So a lot of this will probably be sporadic and spastic.  Sorry (not sorry).  Here goes:

Through my sister-in-law's entire pregnancy I wanted to hate her.  Obviously I love her, but I was extremely envious.  She was having freaking twins.  I could only handle going to one of her baby showers because the 1st one I went to I nearly broke down.  It took all the strength I had to not let a tear slip.  But you know as soon as I was alone I bawled like a baby.  Everything was fine though once the twins were born (boys).  The stress of needing to get pregnant went away and I was able to enjoy myself in everyday life.

A few pregnancies were announced on Facebook, and I tried not to let it bother me.  Most of the time I would just scroll right over belly pics or any kind of announcement (due date, sex of the baby, etc.).

I'm approaching the 1-year mark of last seeing my OB-GYN.  She wanted me to spend a year trying before moving to a more aggressive approach.  She put me under the care of an endocrinologist since my thyroid is out of whack.  He also discovered I'm on the line for pre-diabetes.  Currently I'm on 88 mcg/day Levothyroxine for the hypothyroidism and 2000 mg/day Metformin for the diabetes.  Turns out Metformin has other uses.  It's supposed to promote ovulation, which it's done (although nothing has come from it), and it's also a good weight loss pill.  Seriously, I've lost over 30 pounds over the past year.  That might not seem like a lot, considering my weight, but it's made a load of difference to me.

So things have been less stressful.  Until this past weekend.  My dearest friend (who has been battling her own problems with infertility and has been my rock) showed up at my apartment yesterday with a tray full of brownies.  She wanted to soften the blow of telling me she's pregnant.  Ok, so *obviously* I'm thrilled that she was able to overcome her own tribulations, but at the same time I was devastated.  I spent the rest of the day locked in the bathroom crying.  My husband kept telling me there was nothing to cry over, and of course that was the wrong thing to say.  I needed comfort and he couldn't give it.

I now feel like there's no one to talk to about what I'm going through.  There's no one else I know that's experiencing the same heartbreak as me.  The end of each month is depressing.  I don't even bother taking pregnancy tests anymore because I know I'll get a BFN.  I've stopped taking my pre-natal vitamins, because what's the point.

And it's not like I've sat around.  I've been very proactive in trying to get pregnant.  I've started using herbs, hoping that some combination of natural remedies will do the trick.  I take my temperature.  I use OPKs every month.  Nothing.  My mother keeps telling me to pray, but eventually I've learned to accept that my prayers are falling on deaf ears.  My faith in God has started to wane.  I pray all the time, yet MTV seems to have no lack of stars for "16 & Pregnant."

Anyway, this concludes Entry #1 of the new and improved blog.

New year, new blog

I started this blog as a dream journal.  I think the time has come to surrender defeat on that front.  I barely remember them anymore, and I think the time has come to shift gears.  In keeping with the "dream" theme, I would like to make this blog into a therapy journal.