Two years ago I quit the gym. I was going almost every day and not seeing any results. The number on the scales would go up and down, no more than 5lbs. One year ago I learned about the problems with my endocrine system. Monday I went back to the gym and reopened my membership. I sat down with a fitness evaluator and made out a 1 month and 3 month goal plan. Basically I need to lose roughly 10lbs a month to get out of the "high risk" category. Which works for me. I've already lost 30 over the past year, thanks to medication. Now I'm hoping to see a bigger loss with all the extra exercise.
One of the scary things about sitting down with the goal planner was him asking *why* I wanted to get in shape. I couldn't bring myself to tell his 22 year old fitness major that I'm infertile and hoping some weight loss will help. Silent struggle yall. So I just told him that my doctors wanted me to get in better shape. Which isn't a lie. Both of my doctors do want me to drop some weight, and thankfully my endo is happy that I've lost as much as I have already.
The sucky thing about joining the gym on Monday is I got insanely sick the next day. I've been battling an allergy attack (brought on by the bipolar weather) and it turned the knob to 11. So basically I joined, got an assessment, worked out for about 20 minutes, then haven't been back all week. I was hoping to lose a couple extra pounds before I see my obgyn on Monday, but I don't think that'll happen.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Depression Lies
If you've never read Jenny Lawson's blog, stop reading and get thee to http://thebloggess.com/
I'll wait.
Done? Ok let's proceed.
I discovered Jenny's blog about a year and a half ago when one of my friends was telling me about she kept trying to get a pic of Nathan Fillion holding twine. In the beginning I thought her blog was simply quirky humor, but after a while I realized: the humor is to combat the depression. Her posts can be extremely raw at times, but honestly those are the ones that are the most uplifting. In a recent post about depression lying to you, I commented on dealing with infertility-based depression. She commented back directly to me about knowing the exact same troubles.
So in the spirit of Jenny (and countless others battling depression), I have decided to count my accomplishments for today:
I got out of bed.
I showered.
I put in my contacts.
I went for a walk outside with the dog.
I'm sure some of you might think "well those are simple everyday tasks" and you'd be right. During the work week those are things I do without thinking about them. Because I have to. Work forces me to get my butt out of bed. But the weekend? No. The weekends are for pjs and glasses and hoping the dog can hold it because the last thing I want to do is open the door to the outside world.
Depression lies. It tells you that you're not good enough, that because you can't have a child that you're less of a woman. That you aren't worth a damn and should probably just end it all because what good are you if you can't even do one simple human task, like conceiving a child. Everyone else can do it, why can't you?
After reading the article I posted yesterday, I really got to thinking about it. Infertility truly is a silent struggle. It's not something that people can see so they know what's going on. You can see the effects of cancer on a person. You can't see an infertile woman. Sure, she may be childless but she can always laugh it off "oh we don't want children" or "oh it's just not the right time." I've said those on multiple occasions. You can't just up and tell people that your womb is barren. Because then you get pity. I don't want pity, I want compassion and understanding and for someone to fix me.
All I've told my mother is that it's going to be difficult for us to have a child. I think my mother-in-law knows about the same. My sister-in-law knows a little more, mostly because she herself had to endure IVF and knows about the struggles (although her fertility issue was a blank-shooting husband soooooo). T knows everything. Every time I see my obgyn or my endocrinologist, she's the first person (after husband) that I tell.
How do you tell someone who's perfectly healthy that you can't have children?
I'll wait.
Done? Ok let's proceed.
I discovered Jenny's blog about a year and a half ago when one of my friends was telling me about she kept trying to get a pic of Nathan Fillion holding twine. In the beginning I thought her blog was simply quirky humor, but after a while I realized: the humor is to combat the depression. Her posts can be extremely raw at times, but honestly those are the ones that are the most uplifting. In a recent post about depression lying to you, I commented on dealing with infertility-based depression. She commented back directly to me about knowing the exact same troubles.
So in the spirit of Jenny (and countless others battling depression), I have decided to count my accomplishments for today:
I got out of bed.
I showered.
I put in my contacts.
I went for a walk outside with the dog.
I'm sure some of you might think "well those are simple everyday tasks" and you'd be right. During the work week those are things I do without thinking about them. Because I have to. Work forces me to get my butt out of bed. But the weekend? No. The weekends are for pjs and glasses and hoping the dog can hold it because the last thing I want to do is open the door to the outside world.
Depression lies. It tells you that you're not good enough, that because you can't have a child that you're less of a woman. That you aren't worth a damn and should probably just end it all because what good are you if you can't even do one simple human task, like conceiving a child. Everyone else can do it, why can't you?
After reading the article I posted yesterday, I really got to thinking about it. Infertility truly is a silent struggle. It's not something that people can see so they know what's going on. You can see the effects of cancer on a person. You can't see an infertile woman. Sure, she may be childless but she can always laugh it off "oh we don't want children" or "oh it's just not the right time." I've said those on multiple occasions. You can't just up and tell people that your womb is barren. Because then you get pity. I don't want pity, I want compassion and understanding and for someone to fix me.
All I've told my mother is that it's going to be difficult for us to have a child. I think my mother-in-law knows about the same. My sister-in-law knows a little more, mostly because she herself had to endure IVF and knows about the struggles (although her fertility issue was a blank-shooting husband soooooo). T knows everything. Every time I see my obgyn or my endocrinologist, she's the first person (after husband) that I tell.
How do you tell someone who's perfectly healthy that you can't have children?
Friday, January 17, 2014
Something I needed
Sometimes the universe sends you the thing you need when you need it most (no, I didn't get pregnant. Yet.) A friend posted this on Facebook last night, although I didn't read it until this morning. It cuts pretty deep, but I found it comforting. Especially since it's written from the husband's point of view.
http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/
(I honestly couldn't remember that verse so I looked it up. I use the King James Version and it uses "reproach" instead of "disgrace." Since I'm more analytical than grammar-ific, I had to verify that they are synonyms)
http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/
(I honestly couldn't remember that verse so I looked it up. I use the King James Version and it uses "reproach" instead of "disgrace." Since I'm more analytical than grammar-ific, I had to verify that they are synonyms)
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Heart of steel
Yesterday afternoon I ended up spending a good half hour with my friend (henceforth known as "T") just talking. We talked about her pregnancy (which I don't think she's told anyone else other than family) a little and how she finds out in 3 weeks whether it's a boy or girl. I was surprised to find that I was genuinely happy when she told me. I didn't have to pretend. After that she spent the rest of the time talking about how it'll happen to me and that the doctors will fix me. Basically being a best friend. She left this morning for an out of state conference. I'm not sure if I should text her over the next few days (we usually chat online every day at work) or if I should take this opportunity to get some breathing room and load up on courage.
I get the feeling that I will be needed for emotional support during T's pregnancy since, in her words, her family is crazy. I think I learned enough during my sister's pregnancy to turn my heart to steel for the next 6 months. T said I was the person she was closest to here in town (excluding her baby daddy). Sister had family and multiple friends nearby. This time it's just me. I will do this for her. That's what best friends do, right?
I called my doctor yesterday to see if I could move up my appointment time. It seems she's super popular (she is pretty amazing) and completely booked. The only way to move my appointment would be to make it next month. Kinda the opposite of what I need. So as of now (unless there's a cancellation) I have to wait until the 27th (at least I'll have seen eps 1 & 2 of Sherlock S3 by then). UGH. So frustrating All I can do is wait. And even then, once I get there it'll be talking about fertility treatments (and crying. LOTS of crying). So it's not like any action will happen until at least February. And have I mentioned how expensive it all is??
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
A little relief
It's now been two days since my friend told me she's pregnant. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to act around her anymore. I also realized that some of the texts I'd sent over the past couple months regarding other pregnant women haven't been kind. So I found my girl-balls and apologized for them. She had no idea what I was talking about. That's good? I also felt like I was going to lose my best friend, because who else was I going to talk to about how I felt. So I re-found my girl-balls and asked if it would bother her if I talked smack about other pregnant women. "Not at all."
Lesson learned: just because your friend is going through a new part of life doesn't mean she's going to forget the things that brought you together in the first place.
Lesson learned: just because your friend is going through a new part of life doesn't mean she's going to forget the things that brought you together in the first place.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Therapy begins
As stated last year, I have been going through some serious emotional stuff with infertility. I don't always have the support I need, or can actually talk to people about what I'm going though. So a lot of this will probably be sporadic and spastic. Sorry (not sorry). Here goes:
Through my sister-in-law's entire pregnancy I wanted to hate her. Obviously I love her, but I was extremely envious. She was having freaking twins. I could only handle going to one of her baby showers because the 1st one I went to I nearly broke down. It took all the strength I had to not let a tear slip. But you know as soon as I was alone I bawled like a baby. Everything was fine though once the twins were born (boys). The stress of needing to get pregnant went away and I was able to enjoy myself in everyday life.
A few pregnancies were announced on Facebook, and I tried not to let it bother me. Most of the time I would just scroll right over belly pics or any kind of announcement (due date, sex of the baby, etc.).
I'm approaching the 1-year mark of last seeing my OB-GYN. She wanted me to spend a year trying before moving to a more aggressive approach. She put me under the care of an endocrinologist since my thyroid is out of whack. He also discovered I'm on the line for pre-diabetes. Currently I'm on 88 mcg/day Levothyroxine for the hypothyroidism and 2000 mg/day Metformin for the diabetes. Turns out Metformin has other uses. It's supposed to promote ovulation, which it's done (although nothing has come from it), and it's also a good weight loss pill. Seriously, I've lost over 30 pounds over the past year. That might not seem like a lot, considering my weight, but it's made a load of difference to me.
So things have been less stressful. Until this past weekend. My dearest friend (who has been battling her own problems with infertility and has been my rock) showed up at my apartment yesterday with a tray full of brownies. She wanted to soften the blow of telling me she's pregnant. Ok, so *obviously* I'm thrilled that she was able to overcome her own tribulations, but at the same time I was devastated. I spent the rest of the day locked in the bathroom crying. My husband kept telling me there was nothing to cry over, and of course that was the wrong thing to say. I needed comfort and he couldn't give it.
I now feel like there's no one to talk to about what I'm going through. There's no one else I know that's experiencing the same heartbreak as me. The end of each month is depressing. I don't even bother taking pregnancy tests anymore because I know I'll get a BFN. I've stopped taking my pre-natal vitamins, because what's the point.
And it's not like I've sat around. I've been very proactive in trying to get pregnant. I've started using herbs, hoping that some combination of natural remedies will do the trick. I take my temperature. I use OPKs every month. Nothing. My mother keeps telling me to pray, but eventually I've learned to accept that my prayers are falling on deaf ears. My faith in God has started to wane. I pray all the time, yet MTV seems to have no lack of stars for "16 & Pregnant."
Anyway, this concludes Entry #1 of the new and improved blog.
Through my sister-in-law's entire pregnancy I wanted to hate her. Obviously I love her, but I was extremely envious. She was having freaking twins. I could only handle going to one of her baby showers because the 1st one I went to I nearly broke down. It took all the strength I had to not let a tear slip. But you know as soon as I was alone I bawled like a baby. Everything was fine though once the twins were born (boys). The stress of needing to get pregnant went away and I was able to enjoy myself in everyday life.
A few pregnancies were announced on Facebook, and I tried not to let it bother me. Most of the time I would just scroll right over belly pics or any kind of announcement (due date, sex of the baby, etc.).
I'm approaching the 1-year mark of last seeing my OB-GYN. She wanted me to spend a year trying before moving to a more aggressive approach. She put me under the care of an endocrinologist since my thyroid is out of whack. He also discovered I'm on the line for pre-diabetes. Currently I'm on 88 mcg/day Levothyroxine for the hypothyroidism and 2000 mg/day Metformin for the diabetes. Turns out Metformin has other uses. It's supposed to promote ovulation, which it's done (although nothing has come from it), and it's also a good weight loss pill. Seriously, I've lost over 30 pounds over the past year. That might not seem like a lot, considering my weight, but it's made a load of difference to me.
So things have been less stressful. Until this past weekend. My dearest friend (who has been battling her own problems with infertility and has been my rock) showed up at my apartment yesterday with a tray full of brownies. She wanted to soften the blow of telling me she's pregnant. Ok, so *obviously* I'm thrilled that she was able to overcome her own tribulations, but at the same time I was devastated. I spent the rest of the day locked in the bathroom crying. My husband kept telling me there was nothing to cry over, and of course that was the wrong thing to say. I needed comfort and he couldn't give it.
I now feel like there's no one to talk to about what I'm going through. There's no one else I know that's experiencing the same heartbreak as me. The end of each month is depressing. I don't even bother taking pregnancy tests anymore because I know I'll get a BFN. I've stopped taking my pre-natal vitamins, because what's the point.
And it's not like I've sat around. I've been very proactive in trying to get pregnant. I've started using herbs, hoping that some combination of natural remedies will do the trick. I take my temperature. I use OPKs every month. Nothing. My mother keeps telling me to pray, but eventually I've learned to accept that my prayers are falling on deaf ears. My faith in God has started to wane. I pray all the time, yet MTV seems to have no lack of stars for "16 & Pregnant."
Anyway, this concludes Entry #1 of the new and improved blog.
New year, new blog
I started this blog as a dream journal. I think the time has come to surrender defeat on that front. I barely remember them anymore, and I think the time has come to shift gears. In keeping with the "dream" theme, I would like to make this blog into a therapy journal.
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