Monday, May 19, 2014

The low point

I think yesterday was the lowest I've ever been.  I thought this past month had been timed perfectly.  I had been feeling great every day, no weird pms symptoms (although that's become the norm).  Took a test, got a BFN.  All I could think about was how I was failing as a person.  Here's something that every female on the planet is designed to do, and that of them succeed at, but I can't for the life of me do.  Hell, teenagers can get pregnant after a one-shot.  But apparently me trying for 5 years isn't enough.  I actually started planning out ways to end it all.  That's when I knew I had a major problem, not just the weepies.  I finally admitted, out loud, that I had a problem and needed professional help.  And what was M's reaction to my admission?  That apparently he wasn't doing his job as a husband to make me happy.  Um, that's not what I said, or meant.  But he seems to think that being depressed = being sad all the time.  Last time I checked, depression comes in all shapes and forms and people can still have good days where they feel ok.

I did my research and thankfully my insurance covers mental health.  I found a psychotherapist who specializes in infertility-related depression.  Now I just need to find the courage to pick up the phone.

1 comment:

  1. I think that is a sensible first step, Jenni. I am always here for you if you need me, but I realize that I cannot possible imagine what you are going through. I wish I could make you feel that you aren't 'less of a person or a woman' because of this. You are a good person. A good friend. A good daughter. A good wife. There are so many things that make you valuable. I know you want the chance to be a good mother, too, and I think you deserve it. But until then, get the help you need, and always remember that there are people who love and care for you regardless of your motherhood status.