Monday, January 13, 2014

Therapy begins

As stated last year, I have been going through some serious emotional stuff with infertility.  I don't always have the support I need, or can actually talk to people about what I'm going though.  So a lot of this will probably be sporadic and spastic.  Sorry (not sorry).  Here goes:

Through my sister-in-law's entire pregnancy I wanted to hate her.  Obviously I love her, but I was extremely envious.  She was having freaking twins.  I could only handle going to one of her baby showers because the 1st one I went to I nearly broke down.  It took all the strength I had to not let a tear slip.  But you know as soon as I was alone I bawled like a baby.  Everything was fine though once the twins were born (boys).  The stress of needing to get pregnant went away and I was able to enjoy myself in everyday life.

A few pregnancies were announced on Facebook, and I tried not to let it bother me.  Most of the time I would just scroll right over belly pics or any kind of announcement (due date, sex of the baby, etc.).

I'm approaching the 1-year mark of last seeing my OB-GYN.  She wanted me to spend a year trying before moving to a more aggressive approach.  She put me under the care of an endocrinologist since my thyroid is out of whack.  He also discovered I'm on the line for pre-diabetes.  Currently I'm on 88 mcg/day Levothyroxine for the hypothyroidism and 2000 mg/day Metformin for the diabetes.  Turns out Metformin has other uses.  It's supposed to promote ovulation, which it's done (although nothing has come from it), and it's also a good weight loss pill.  Seriously, I've lost over 30 pounds over the past year.  That might not seem like a lot, considering my weight, but it's made a load of difference to me.

So things have been less stressful.  Until this past weekend.  My dearest friend (who has been battling her own problems with infertility and has been my rock) showed up at my apartment yesterday with a tray full of brownies.  She wanted to soften the blow of telling me she's pregnant.  Ok, so *obviously* I'm thrilled that she was able to overcome her own tribulations, but at the same time I was devastated.  I spent the rest of the day locked in the bathroom crying.  My husband kept telling me there was nothing to cry over, and of course that was the wrong thing to say.  I needed comfort and he couldn't give it.

I now feel like there's no one to talk to about what I'm going through.  There's no one else I know that's experiencing the same heartbreak as me.  The end of each month is depressing.  I don't even bother taking pregnancy tests anymore because I know I'll get a BFN.  I've stopped taking my pre-natal vitamins, because what's the point.

And it's not like I've sat around.  I've been very proactive in trying to get pregnant.  I've started using herbs, hoping that some combination of natural remedies will do the trick.  I take my temperature.  I use OPKs every month.  Nothing.  My mother keeps telling me to pray, but eventually I've learned to accept that my prayers are falling on deaf ears.  My faith in God has started to wane.  I pray all the time, yet MTV seems to have no lack of stars for "16 & Pregnant."

Anyway, this concludes Entry #1 of the new and improved blog.

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